All things green

Health. Fitness. Positivity. Lifestyle. Mental health. Self love.

Life after baby loss

 Life after loss is something I never thought I would be writing about and it's still hard to believe that I am. I'm currently sitting in my daughter's room; the one she never had a chance to come home to, writing this and trying to remind myself of my passion to help others. Thinking how writing got me through dark times in the past so whilst I'm searching for purpose without her in my life, I should use that passion not only to help others but help myself too.
 
 Our beautiful baby girl Esme Vowels Lovett was born on the 18th of February. Weighing 6 pounds 12 oz, she had thick dark brown hair and the cutest button nose. Looked just like her mummy, but from her antics in my tummy had a personality just like her daddy! Our firstborn whom we worked for seven long years to get and waited a further nine months to learn was a girl. The most perfect, longed-for little angel.
 
Devastatingly Esme was born with her heart no longer beating and after a week of being with her, we were forced to say goodbye. During the times spent with her, I was the most content and at peace, I have ever felt in my life. She had the most calming aura and the ability to bring me pure happiness during the hardest times. They are times I will cherish forever and I will never forget the feeling of holding her tiny hand within mine. 
 
Learning to navigate life after this immense loss is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Most days I've had to force myself to go on when all I want is to be with my daughter. From the minute we had the news, life as we knew it was shattered and in front of us was our worst nightmare. Trying to live after this loss is far worse than I ever imagined and I genuinely never knew it was possible to feel pain like this.
 
The stages following her passing are a complete blur and difficult to think about, which is why my brain has blocked them off. The days were about just surviving, living minute by minute was the only way we could get through. I shed more tears than I knew was humanly possible, every part of me hurt. It hurt to breathe, to talk, to move. Feeling like there was a weight on my chest due to the sheer heartbreak of never getting to see you again. 
 
The early stages are full of denial. This can't be real, it can't be real, this can't be our life, it has to be a nightmare. Each day I desperately hoped I'd wake up and it hadn't actually happened but instead, waking up searching for her. This went on for a long time, I'd either wake up hysterically crying, screaming her name, only to look next to me and it is empty. It felt like being told all over again, every single time I slept. Then there's the anger. Pure rage like I've never felt before. So much rage I didn't know what to do with it, punching, kicking and smacking my head against walls. Angry at how this could happen, why it had to happen to us, why they didn't listen to me, so many questions but no answers. I was angry at the sound of laughter and the sight of a smile, wondering how could other people's lives go on when ours has stopped. Something you go on to learn with grief; the world never stops moving, for anyone.
 
Not only is the mental side of things horrific but there are physical elements too. My body struggled to understand where the baby had gone, feeling as though it was literally crying out for her. I still had the usual postpartum problems like heavy bleeding, baby blues, hair falling out and my milk coming in. The physical toll of a difficult IVF pregnancy with killer cells treatment, a c-section and further surgery not long after, took a huge toll on my body.
 
People tell you that things will get easier, when really what happens, is you get stronger. Over time you learn coping mechanisms that help you get through the days, access therapy and slowly start to rebuild yourself. Also part of it, is you learn to keep it to yourself because as a society, once a few months pass it's less acceptable to still be grieving. There's an approach that after 6 months, people shouldn't need support so it dramatically reduces. It will always be strange to me that anyone could think you'd be okay in such a short amount of time but I believe until you've experienced grief, you will never fully understand it.
 
Over the months I was able to start building strength and put pieces of myself back together but that in itself brings a set of challenges; with guilt being the biggest one. Guilt for feeling any sense of happiness or enjoyment, because happiness after a loss feels wrong. Wondering if am I grieving hard enough and will she know I love her if I smile again? Worrying what other people think of how you are coping and that it's a direct link to your love for them. There are so many complex emotions within guilt and I tell myself there is nothing to feel guilty for but a mother's instinct is to protect their child, so when something goes wrong, the mother always takes the blame.
 
In June after suffering for four months with debilitating anxiety, flashbacks and nightmares, I needed to seek help for my trauma. I was later diagnosed with severe PTSD, a condition I wouldn't wish on anyone but certainly not someone already living with grief. After losing Esme I couldn't go out in public without being riddled with anxiety which led to the most horrifying panic attacks. Along with that every time I'd sleep I had the most harrowing nightmares where I was back in those situations of being unable to save her. I was also experiencing multiple flashbacks every hour of every day, sudden waves to which you physically feel back in those moments. You can feel, hear and see every part as if you are right there all over again.
 
Another difficulty we discovered is people pretending nothing ever happened or that your child didn't exist. It's the worst thing when you go through the most life-changing thing possible, then you see someone for the first time and they don't even mention it. I appreciate people don't always know what to say or don't want to upset you however for us, it's more upsetting when people don't mention Esme at all. We always found it tough that due to the circumstance Esme's birth was never celebrated. We didn't have people asking what we had, how much she weighed, or who she looked like. She may have died, but she did also live. We made it very clear from the start that it's important to both of us that Esme is talked about, included and always remembered. This is a massive part of the healing process because we couldn't imagine a life that doesn't involve her so having everyone embrace that with us is a big help.
 
8 months on from the loss of our daughter and there's a small glimmer of hope that life won't be this dark forever. Grief though is extremely complex, one minute I may be okay, and the next I'm in tears. I’ve found it helpful to learn triggers but also accept that it’s okay to have time spent just endlessly pining for her. I have come to terms with the fact life always be tinged with sadness and what-ifs, but I know all Esme would want is for me to be happy. I try to make a conscious effort to choose happiness for her and live out all the things she never got to do.
 
My days are now spent working extremely hard at healing, I am doing or have done every single thing I can find that helps in some way. I have done so much work with both counselling and trauma therapy, to navigate this new life and cope with an ongoing legal case we are fighting for our daughter. I still struggle a lot with anxiety and flashbacks however they are reduced.
Days are mixed with sadness but also now enjoyment too, things are still far from easy but I'm proud to look back at how far I've come. I'm exercising every day, I'm meditating, tapping, doing trauma release dance, listening to hypnotherapy audios, repeating affirmations, writing letters and much more. I'm kind of exhausted from it all but I feel a way of making my girl proud is to come out the other side of this stronger, so that's what I'm determined to do.



Miscarriage 4

After not feeling I had much to write about in the last year, I always knew there would be something that would bring me back to writing. I however never imagined the thing that would bring me back would be another miscarriage. I've always felt the importance of raising awareness of subjects that carry a stigma so when we recently had our 4th miscarriage I instantly felt the desire to start writing again. Not only for self-healing but because I know first-hand how important it is this subject is discussed more. 


The last few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. In March we started our first IVF cycle and from all that I'd heard, I was expecting that to be the hardest part. We had to wait 3 years after our last miscarriage, on top of the 3 years we'd already been trying before we were finally able to get help through the NHS. So when that time eventually came I was filled with gratitude which meant I didn't let myself dwell on the difficulty of it. I managed to take it in my stride because I always reminded myself of the times when I never thought I'd get the chance.

The challenging part for me began at week 2 of the 'two-week wait'. Partly due to being pregnant in the past, meant I knew exactly what to look for. I certainly felt all the symptoms I had previously but I was determined not to let myself believe it. When you have tried for 6 years the copious amounts of negative tests you see, leave quite a damaging effect. It meant the two-week wait felt like pure torture and I was just desperate for test day to come and give me an answer one way or another. 

Unfortunately on that day, we didn't get the straightforward answer we'd hoped for, first thing in the morning there was barely enough on our test to consider it a line. It was a shock to me, due to the way I'd been feeling but I accepted it, knowing it very rarely works the first time and started booking our second round. The clinic tells you at this point to keep going with all the medications and test again in two days just to be sure. 

The biggest surprise of our lives came that morning when we got our positive test, we genuinely believed the cycle was done and had mentally started preparing for the next. Over a few days, we'd managed to go through every single emotion possible but finally, it felt like we had the happy ending we'd been waiting so long for.

During the period of waiting to start IVF and our previous 3 miscarriages, we'd had lots of different tests done and I was able to get my diagnoses for different blood conditions I have. Both of which can cause miscarriages, I was prescribed blood thinning injections which I used throughout the 3 years of continuing to try before we started IVF. The doctors believed this to be our solution and I felt in my heart we'd found the answer. The thought of miscarrying again after all of that, naively never even crossed my mind.

The day I innocently took another test just to check was the day my whole world came crashing down. I just never imagined this happening again; I didn't think my heart would feel this level of pain again. Before I even had the chance to think I rushed to the early pregnancy unit just desperate to know if it was going to be ok, praying it was a false positive. With no sign of any pain or blood, I just didn't believe it could be real. It took a few days of blood tests and repeating pregnancy tests for it to sink in. I didn't want to accept it and couldn't get my head around it. How could we go from being in this bubble where we finally had a baby in our future, the happiest time of our lives, to it all taken away in a matter of seconds?

Miscarriage for me is the hardest challenge I've ever faced and pain like nothing I've experienced before. Pain to the point that my heart physically aches. Waking up to the heartbreak every morning, remembering what we'd lost and what I'd worked so hard to get. I've pulled from every bit of strength I have to try and remain somewhat together this time around, I've managed to carry on working and doing what I can to keep life somewhat normal because I'm determined not to let it break me. However, my brain has other ideas, constantly reminding me of not being pregnant anymore, not having that future we'd planned out and another baby I'll always wonder, what if about. 

Thankfully, each day gets a little bit easier and I've been able to think about what a frozen cycle would be. As desperate as I am to be pregnant again our embryos have to stay frozen for a little longer whilst we go back on the search for another reason why. Why can't seem to carry a baby beyond a certain point and why my body seems to fight off every pregnancy I have? In some ways, I feel back to square one, with no real answers, just the potential of another problem I'll have to contend with. On the other hand, I remind myself how incredibly lucky I am that it worked the first time and we can find a way to help my body hold onto a baby full term, we have our amazing embryos waiting for us.

For now, life has gone back to being on hold, something I'm having to learn to be ok with but finding my heart breaks a little bit more every time I think about it. The plans we once had aren't anymore, we won't be having a Christmas baby, we won't be designing the nursery anytime soon or buying the baby clothes I've longed for years. There's now a fourth baby I will forever dream about, wonder who they would have looked like or what their personality would have been like.

After 6 years of trying and we have experienced:

- 4 miscarriages

- 1 IVF cycle

- Multiple blood condition diagnosis

- 1 endometriosis surgery

- More injections, medications and drugs than I could ever count 

All of that I’m still fighting for you baby and I will never stop, I've never wanted you more. No matter how many hurdles we have to jump over, no matter how much heartbreak there might be, I will go through it all because I know you will be worth every single second of it.




Understanding suicidal thoughts

Growing up how did you imagine your life would pan out? A successful career, falling in love, having a family, living happily ever after? Our dreams may vary from person to person but I don't believe there would be a single person who just read that question who wouldn't have envisaged, a life full of happiness. At no point would any of us visualised contending with such debilitating pain and suffering that it eventually would lead to considering suicide.


Suicidal thoughts are, having no hope that things will ever get better.
Suicidal thoughts are wanting to die but also desperately wanting to live.
Suicidal thoughts are not being able to drive your car without wanting to crash it.
Suicidal thoughts are thinking about ways to hurt yourself to somehow take the pain away.
Suicidal thoughts are fearing your own mind and what it can do.
Suicidal thoughts are not wanting to leave loved ones but not being able to cope another day. 
Suicidal thoughts are debilitating, terrifying and utterly heart-wrenching.

Experiencing suicidal thoughts has to be one of the worst feelings in the entire world, feeling torn between desperately wanting to feel happiness again and not seeing how it could ever be possible. Seeing no other way past the pain and feeling like you are trapped in a body that no matter what you do is determined to be depressed.
Suicidal thoughts are something I know very well and have been a big part of my life. In the early days of my illness, I dealt with them all day every day and these were the multiple times I attempted to take my own life. These were the most challenging years I've ever had, spent trying to talk myself out of suicide every day. Telling myself not to go through with it even when everything in my mind was telling me to, it's a battle that's completely exhausting and therefore at times didn't have the strength to fight. 
Further on in my illness and more recently, if I suffer the thoughts will come out of nowhere with no warning which made it especially difficult to explain to my loved ones how I could feel that way. Having to answer questions like do I not care about them enough to stay or how am I okay about leaving them behind? It will never make sense to a person not suffering but not once was it about them or anything other than being unable to manage another day. 
For, I will never forget the look on my loved one's faces when they would first find me after I'd made an attempt. Nor will I forget the feeling of watching their heartbreak right in front of you when you say don't want to be alive anymore. However, it soon became apparent to me that to keep myself alive and prevent any long-lasting pain I had to start sharing my feelings. I knew it was better to keep myself which became my lifeline and expressing my thoughts helped my partner save my life more times than I can count.
Something that isn't necessarily widely known is these dark thoughts don't just show themselves in the typical way everyone thinks, they can come and go but also be heard by someone other than you. There must be more awareness of this and learning that suicidal thoughts don't need to always be there to be believed.

The most common type of suicidal thoughts is those which present themselves every minute of the day. The person will always be thinking of ways they can end their life and at times researching possible ways. These thoughts are brought on by long periods of suffering, for example, battling depression, which leads them to feel there’s no other way out.
There are also suicidal thoughts that come and go; they aren’t constant but when they do arise it's very strong. It can feel like a panic attack with a sudden rush and all you can think about is not wanting to be alive. This tends to be the case when a family loses someone to suicide without any reason to show why and it's because these thoughts are impulsive. 
A final way of experiencing suicidal thoughts is when a person is extremely unwell and they begin to hear voices in their head. They believe someone’s in their head talking to them, following them or watching them. The feeling is incredibly real and they will have no control whatsoever over their mind.
Discussing suicide will always be so important to me and something of which I'm extremely passionate about helping others to grow a greater understanding. So many lives are lost because people either think it's an empty threat and don't believe the person will go through with it or they simply don't understand it. I pray if you take anything from this post it's that you don't ever disbelieve a person you appreciate how brave they've been to share and take that same bravery to get the help they desperately need.

Empitness of infertility

The toughest challenge in my life so far is without a doubt infertility. The thing I struggle with most is having no control, I don't know whether I will get pregnant next week, next month or next year. Infertility takes pretty much everything from you and very quickly leaves you with a feeling of emptiness.


In the three years, my partner & I have been trying we've had multiple miscarriages, an endometriosis diagnosis, surgery, daily injections, and more tests than I can count. We've visited many different doctors within the NHS and privately, longing to find an answer. We would be told there's a reason for our infertility and how to fix it, only to find months down the line nothing changed. I was told point-blank if I had surgery to remove my endometriosis it would solve our infertility and if injected every day we would get pregnant and not miscarry. All empty promises. In the end, in our search for an answer we've finally found that there is no answer and we have unexplained infertility. This means there's nothing that can be fixed or cured and our only way to get pregnant is with the help of science.


The ups and downs of the journey are tough but in all honesty, nothing compares to the feeling of emptiness that infertility brings. It's a feeling of numbness, meaningless and confusion that tags along with you no matter where you go. Nothing you do fills the space in your heart that feels like something is missing. The sad thing is that nothing in your life changes it's the same as it was before you started trying, yet you can't find happiness in what you did before. Life becomes solely about ovulation, periods, testing, symptoms and nothing else. A feeling that you can't escape and the problem is, it's impossible to avoid it. Everywhere you look there are either babies or pregnancies and as much as you tell yourself you're not going to think about it, there are reminders everywhere.


 The emptiness is the comfort of your own home not being comfortable anymore because it's too quiet. Going out for dinner isn't desirable because all you want is to be cuddled up on the sofa with a baby on your chest, and family events just become yet another reminder that you can't get pregnant and everyone else can. 


Sadly along our journey, we've experienced multiple miscarriages which are a pain unlike anything I've ever felt before nor anything I was ever prepared for. Getting a small moment of thinking you've finally made it, the battle is over and your dream has finally come true; to not even getting a chance to enjoy it before it's taken away. The six or so months where we experienced our miscarriages grouped together were the worst of my entire life and I think that was the point infertility really started to affect me day to day.


Even now I can't help but think about how different life should have been and how our lives should have looked if any of those babies had been lucky enough to survive. It's a strange thing but infertility and miscarriages have left me feeling in a way like I lost my right arm. It feels like I go through days with a piece of me that is missing and a person who should be next to me. 


This struggle ultimately leaves you feeling lost, it takes away any bit of purpose you felt you did have. No matter what work I do or the success I have doesn't really matter because none of it is what I actually want. It makes you feel as though you're just wandering through life with no real point to it, all because you unable to fulfil the one thing a woman is supposed to do. 


I've written this post not only to make anyone going through this experience feel as though they're not alone but to also provide more understanding to anyone who doesn't struggle because I think fertility is a really funny subject. People are either always questing when someone going to get pregnant or hearing that someone is struggling and avoiding them because they don't know what to say.


It wasn't until I first opened up about my struggles with fertility and miscarriages that others got in contact and shared their story which is sad because we shouldn't need someone else to give us the confidence to talk about our journey. We should all be able to feel comfortable enough to be able to say. So many people get nervous around anyone with infertility, in case they say the wrong thing or them seeing your child will upset them when if we all spoke about it, we'd know that doesn't help. The thing is that people assume spending time with families will make a person feel worse when for me I love and crave being around little ones because it does temporarily fill that gap.


I genuinely want anyone who might be going through the same thing to learn to fall in love with life again. I can't tell you when your dreams will come true but I can tell you that time spent miserably waiting won't be possible to get back. The most important advice I can give from my experience is just to find a different focus, that's exactly what I did and it helped me be the happiest I have been throughout my whole journey. I pray that you can find that too.




Warning signs of depression

Warning signs of depression

Depression; is a taboo subject which takes absolutely everything from the person suffering. Debilitating and unbearable. A dark black cloud hoovering over your life that no matter what you do or how hard you try, just never goes away. It takes everything, your strength positivity, hope and a general desire to be alive. Depression is not ever being able to see an end to the pain and far more to it than just sadness. In fact, it can be a combination of emotions ranging from feeling numb, angry, distressed, anxious, hopeless, confused and more. 

Sadly although awareness seems to improve around mental health, high-functioning depression seems to grow at a faster rate. It's becoming more common to have people around us who are struggling without us even knowing it. Due to depression being an invisible condition it's far harder to spot therefore the importance of awareness is undeniable.

There are many different subtypes of this condition; as explained prior, there are high-functioning depression, depression and also clinical depression. The main difference between the term depression and clinical depression is that one is impossible to carry on daily life with and the other is slightly easier to manage. With the likelihood of clinical depression needed medication and therapy to improve.

Clinical depression will often leave a person physically unable to even leave the house, being bedbound with the level of their pain. The warning signs will be more obvious and easier to pick up on, whereas someone who is high functioning or depressed, is far less visible.

A lot of people who suffer from a mental health condition tend to keep things bottled up, as a lot see it as an embarrassment. These are the most common prototypes for high-functioning depression because it will seem as though they're able to manage the condition without any effect on their daily life. For this exact reason, we must gain a greater understanding of warning signs so we can pick up on them earlier because it can quite literally be life-saving.

When it comes to looking for symptoms of depression they range from obvious red flags to more indistinct changes. The key here is the change, from dramatic changes carried by those clinically depressed and more subtle changes from high functioning. The severity doesn't necessarily matter the fact something has changed can be what's important.

Loss of interest in things they once found loved

Depression very quickly takes the pleasure and enjoyment out of the things you love, meaning that a loss of interest or withdrawal from usual activities or hobbies is a clear sign of severe depression.

Change in sleeping habits

A quite clear tell-tell sign of depression is their sleeping habits. A person will tend to spend a lot of time in bed whether sleeping or not. Some will sleep all day and all night, and others won't be able to sleep at all.

Changes in diet and weight

Weight can fluctuate for people with depression in different ways however what is often very noticeable is a change in a person's diet. As with sleeping habits, someone suffering from depression will tend to either overindulge or undereat and have no interest in food.

Uncontrollable emotions

A person suffering may be full of anger going from screaming and shouting to uncontrollable crying. Nothing outside prompts the change but their emotions can be up and down at a moment’s notice. The severity of these emotions will also be a great deal more extreme than the average person.

Anxiety

Probably one of the most difficult of all the signs to notice will be anxiety. The reason being is that it doesn't often present many physical symptoms however you will be able to tell if a person is worrying more, gets uptight about going out and visible looks nervous.

Constant self-doubt

A person suffering from depression will often be very doubtful of themselves and their potential. The person will question everything, their life choices, career and relationships and feel they're worthless.

Increased irritability and anger

This can be quite an obvious change to notice because the irritability and anger can often be aimed at the person's loved ones. If they once had a very happy-go-lucky personality this change will be clear to see.

Diminished energy levels

Depression is very much like an energy sap. Normal daily tasks feel like climbing a mountain. A combination of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion together causes everyday tasks to feel impossible.

Suicidal thoughts

Finally and most importantly the vital warning sign to be careful of is if a person is talking about suicide or frequently bringing up the conversation of death. The minute a person mentions suicide is the exact moment you must get them immediate help because at this stage you can't take any risks.


If any of these signs raise alarm bells with you about a loved one you must be careful in the way you approach them. If they're suffering from depression they will already be feeling sensitive and often self-loathing so the way you bring up the conversation can determine whether you'll be able to get them help or not. If this person feels attacked, their barriers will go up and they're more likely to refuse help. The best approach you can have is to gently mention the subject and make subtle comments which can be thought triggering, this way the person will be more likely to trust you. The worst possible thing you can do is go straight in with an accusation you believe they're suffering from depression.


To help someone get better they must be open and honest with you, you need to encourage them to feel as though they can confide in you. When I was suffering myself the thing that essentially saved me, was having a partner and a mother who I can speak and even though what I would say may hurt them, they'd still listen. Ensure you can have that mutual understanding with anyone who has a mental health condition, no matter what condition it may be. 

I must stress that if you believe a person is in danger and in need of urgent help you must step in and get them immediate medical attention. Whether it be a hospital, a doctor or booking a psychiatrist. There are some cases where we cannot take risks. A brilliant contact for not only someone with depression but also that person's family is the samaritans. An amazing charity which is always at the end of a phone call, text or email.


116123

jo@samaritans.org



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