For the last 6 months, I have been living with an episode of depression, something which only my immediate family knows about due to my sheer embarrassment of it. I have bipolar disorder which means I have periods of mania (a state of heightened mood) and periods of depression. When you have bipolar you cycle through both these mood states, never knowing how long they will last.
My recent depression came when I started to notice symptoms of depression before my periods and after a few months of experiencing this, the low moods started to last longer than just before my period. This was when I decided it was time to see my psychiatrist again and have a review. It was decided that we would change my current bipolar medication (a mood stabilizer), so this medication was gradually reduced whilst I was started on a new mood stabilizer. This in itself was difficult, there are side effects from coming off medication and side effects of increasing a new medication the combination of the two left me stuck in bed for almost a week unable to pick my head up off the pillow due to extreme dizziness. I kept on persisting with my new medication despite this because I was so desperate to get back to stability again.
After being on my new medication for a month I knew something still wasn't right, I was experiencing severe anxiety which I had never had trouble with before, five or six mood changes a day and the feeling that I had lost complete control of my mind. I went back to see my psychiatrist in a state where I didn't even know who I was or what I was doing, I was then put back on the medication that I was previously taken off. Another 3 weeks down the line something still wasn't right and this was when I knew I was suffering from an episode of depression after some resistance I was put on antidepressants.
A month later and things have slowly been getting better but I can't help but feel frustrated that the pain I experienced could have been avoided if my depression had been picked up earlier. I was let down by the professionals who look after me, without it taking them so long to pick up the cycling of my bipolar.
So what is like really like living with a mental illness? If you ask me that question when I am going through a period of illness and when I am going through a period of stability my answers would be very different.
Life during illness: Fake smiles, hysterical crying, suicidal thoughts, lack of motivation, psychiatrists, therapists, medication, loneliness, shame, secrets, feelings of hopelessness.
To say it is difficult to live through would be an understatement, the pain is indescribable and unbearable. No matter how many people you have around you it is a very lonely place to be. Each day feels almost impossible to get through and you feel as though you will never get better but you just have to find small things which give you a bit of an escape and for me that is exercise.
Life during stability: Balance, happiness, positivity, motivation, fear, confidence, therapy, medication.
Life when stable is a lot easier but there's still always a worry in the back of your mind that illness will strike back again. It's a process you have to go through after having a period of illness and it's a case of slowly rebuilding again. It is possible to live a happy and healthy life with a mental illness it's just a case of finding the right possible medication, therapy and support system.
I am working towards getting back to full stability with medication and therapy and I am feeling positive that I can get back to feeling strong and completely stable again. Before this current period of illness, I had a year and a half of health where I felt as though I was completely better and living my life to the full. I am determined to get back to that and get back to full health - determination goes a long way.
For someone who has never experienced a mental illness, it's something they will certainly never fully understand but I hope my explaining my personal experiences will help more people to understand. This is tremendously hard for me to post about as I tend to keep what is going on with my mental health a secret, sometimes even from my family, but I know that it is important to talk and to share and that I shouldn't feel ashamed of my mental illness.
Thanks for reading,
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