The toughest challenge in my life so far is without a doubt infertility. The thing I struggle with most is having no control, I don't know whether I will get pregnant next week, next month or next year. Infertility takes pretty much everything from you and very quickly leaves you with a feeling of emptiness.
In the three years, my partner & I have been trying we've had multiple miscarriages, an endometriosis diagnosis, surgery, daily injections, and more tests than I can count. We've visited many different doctors within the NHS and privately, longing to find an answer. We would be told there's a reason for our infertility and how to fix it, only to find months down the line nothing changed. I was told point-blank if I had surgery to remove my endometriosis it would solve our infertility and if injected every day we would get pregnant and not miscarry. All empty promises. In the end, in our search for an answer we've finally found that there is no answer and we have unexplained infertility. This means there's nothing that can be fixed or cured and our only way to get pregnant is with the help of science.
The ups and downs of the journey are tough but in all honesty, nothing compares to the feeling of emptiness that infertility brings. It's a feeling of numbness, meaningless and confusion that tags along with you no matter where you go. Nothing you do fills the space in your heart that feels like something is missing. The sad thing is that nothing in your life changes it's the same as it was before you started trying, yet you can't find happiness in what you did before. Life becomes solely about ovulation, periods, testing, symptoms and nothing else. A feeling that you can't escape and the problem is, it's impossible to avoid it. Everywhere you look there are either babies or pregnancies and as much as you tell yourself you're not going to think about it, there are reminders everywhere.
The emptiness is the comfort of your own home not being comfortable anymore because it's too quiet. Going out for dinner isn't desirable because all you want is to be cuddled up on the sofa with a baby on your chest, and family events just become yet another reminder that you can't get pregnant and everyone else can.
Sadly along our journey, we've experienced multiple miscarriages which are a pain unlike anything I've ever felt before nor anything I was ever prepared for. Getting a small moment of thinking you've finally made it, the battle is over and your dream has finally come true; to not even getting a chance to enjoy it before it's taken away. The six or so months where we experienced our miscarriages grouped together were the worst of my entire life and I think that was the point infertility really started to affect me day to day.
Even now I can't help but think about how different life should have been and how our lives should have looked if any of those babies had been lucky enough to survive. It's a strange thing but infertility and miscarriages have left me feeling in a way like I lost my right arm. It feels like I go through days with a piece of me that is missing and a person who should be next to me.
This struggle ultimately leaves you feeling lost, it takes away any bit of purpose you felt you did have. No matter what work I do or the success I have doesn't really matter because none of it is what I actually want. It makes you feel as though you're just wandering through life with no real point to it, all because you unable to fulfil the one thing a woman is supposed to do.
I've written this post not only to make anyone going through this experience feel as though they're not alone but to also provide more understanding to anyone who doesn't struggle because I think fertility is a really funny subject. People are either always questing when someone going to get pregnant or hearing that someone is struggling and avoiding them because they don't know what to say.
It wasn't until I first opened up about my struggles with fertility and miscarriages that others got in contact and shared their story which is sad because we shouldn't need someone else to give us the confidence to talk about our journey. We should all be able to feel comfortable enough to be able to say. So many people get nervous around anyone with infertility, in case they say the wrong thing or them seeing your child will upset them when if we all spoke about it, we'd know that doesn't help. The thing is that people assume spending time with families will make a person feel worse when for me I love and crave being around little ones because it does temporarily fill that gap.
I genuinely want anyone who might be going through the same thing to learn to fall in love with life again. I can't tell you when your dreams will come true but I can tell you that time spent miserably waiting won't be possible to get back. The most important advice I can give from my experience is just to find a different focus, that's exactly what I did and it helped me be the happiest I have been throughout my whole journey. I pray that you can find that too.
No comments
Post a Comment