The pain that trying to conceive brings is like nothing I can describe, which makes it difficult for others to understand, because the heartache of not falling pregnant month in, month out isn't something that can be easily described. It's like an ache in your heart that you carry around with you every day which never goes away. There's so much that can be hidden behind a smile because people don't often express their feelings, to avoid the risk of being a burden. However, there's normally an immense amount going through their mind which they will put to the back and carry on with daily life.
It's odd because some days I won't think about it at all and other days it completely consumes my thoughts. The smallest thing can however trigger the derailing of those thoughts, something on TV or social media. I think the situation just makes you overly sensitive to anything on that subject. It seems that everywhere you look there are pregnant women or babies and it's impossible to block them out. It's not that you're angry with them or want to take it away, you just wish that could be you too and it's just another reminder that you aren't.
Even though the things I've dealt with so far in my life have been challenging, this is by far the most painful thing I’ve experienced. What I find most difficult is not being able to have control over it. Of course, some treatments can be explored, relaxation techniques and medical help but each month it's not something you can physically hand-pick the outcome and to me, that's what I find most difficult. I'm a 'fixer' and this is something I can't just fix.
It's challenging to explain how much pain this type of situation can bring because it comes with ups and down but every month when that period arrives it's like all your future plans and dreams are destroyed within a single moment. Something which you have to pick yourself up from every single month, even when you've got nothing left.
What's incredibly important when going through this journey is to not let the situation take over your life, which is near enough impossible to avoid. Your life otherwise just becomes ovulation, trying, dates, symptoms and periods. For a while, this was what our lives definitely ended up being centred around it, however, getting to that point gave us the realization we needed to know that something had to change. In the last few months, we've been doing our best to forget everything we've been through and live our lives as we did once before. It's something I’m quite proud to be able to say, as at one point it was a very different story. I can certainly say 100% happier for doing it.
The reason I decided to open up about this subject, after over a year of saying I wasn't going to until I conceived, is because I truly want to help people. To me, it's a life goal to have a positive impact on others and help those who are feeling alone to feel more supported. Although in a sense I find it embarrassing to write about, if it helps any one person then it’s completely worth it.
Hopefully, this blog post can give a better understanding to those who have never had this struggle and help them to provide support for loved ones who are going through this tough journey. I know in my experience I have felt a little misunderstood at times, mostly because I don't think others understand fully the impact it has on a person's life and the full extent of how consuming and unbearable it can be.
To anyone dealing with this, I would love to be a source of support and a person to relate to for anyone who may need it, so please reach out. Remember the things you use to enjoy about life before all of this and remind yourself of the reasons you have to keep battling on.
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