This is a blog post I have been going back and forth between whether to post or not because it was always something I felt I wanted to share when, what I had been hoping for, finally came true. However, I have finally come to the realisation that I shouldn’t just be trying to help and influence others once I have recovered and moved on from things but whilst I’m actually living in it too.
Becoming a mum is something I have deeply desired since I was really young, but knew I always wanted to wait until I felt that I had achieved certain things for myself before I took that path. I wanted to travel, have my own home, run my own business and just generally enjoy life being young. My partner and I since the day we met always knew we couldn’t wait to have children together, we finally decided to take that first, very exciting step and started trying.
After overcoming depression in my teenage years, I naively thought that would be the hardest thing I would ever have to overcome, but sadly little did I know that wasn't even going to be the half of it. Trying for a baby is the biggest rollercoaster ride I have ever experienced. It starts off very fun but quite quickly turns into the stress of, working out dates, taking supplements, taking tests and having sex even when you don't feel like it. The thing I dreamt about most of my life and imagined to be the most magical experience quickly became the exact opposite.
Although at the time when I was living in it, it felt unbearable, when I now look back at the first 8 months I am grateful for the fact that we didn’t fall pregnant because that time allowed us to get engaged. Something which I had fantasized about ever since I met my Toby and I am really glad we got to enjoy that experience just the two of us because it made it even more special.
Amongst all that happiness some sadness was just around the corner for us again when we learnt our best friends who had just started trying, had fallen pregnant. This was something that brought such mixed emotions for both of us because we were absolutely over the moon for them but at the same time, it brought us back to the realization that still after 8 months of trying, we were not any closer to being pregnant. By this point, I decided I wanted to get checked because I couldn’t wait around any longer not knowing what was going on. So I went to my doctor to have an ultrasound and blood tests to check my hormone levels, both of which came back as completely normal. Next, we had my partner checked and again everything came back as normal.
This left us both on a high knowing that everything was okay, it was just all about timing, but sadly in our ninth month, we had our first miscarriage. We were away at the time which I know massively helped and it protected me from the initial heartache of a miscarriage. My partner was very good at looking at it as a positive, a positive that we finally knew we could get pregnant but I couldn’t help but see it as the simple fact the baby I had been longing for, for so long was gone. I felt completely broken and honestly, I just didn’t know what to do with myself. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, all the heartache of trying had just melted away and my dream had finally come true and then all of a sudden that was gone.
I was and have always been lucky that in some respects, my miscarriage was early because it meant I hadn’t gotten to the stage of having a scan and seeing no heartbeat. With that being said in some ways it made my grieving harder because it meant that a lot of people thought I should just get over it and because it was early it didn’t matter as much.
After weeks of complete heartbreak we started trying again but sadly experienced another miscarriage, very similar to the first, but honestly still just as heartbreaking. Everyone kept telling me how it can be normal to have two miscarriages and that I shouldn't get worried till after three, and as much as I understand people were only trying to help, it didn’t make it hurt any less.
I somehow managed to pick up and try again which sadly only lead me to my third miscarriage and by this point, I learnt I just couldn’t mourn anymore and managed to cope better the third time around. I realised that all I was doing was hurting myself and this time I was going to try and put it out of my mind and not grieve in the same way. By this point though, I just knew in my heart that there was something wrong. So far I had put each miscarriage down to circumstance and thought I will definitely be third time lucky and when that didn’t happen I decided I had to seek help.
We decided to pay privately to see a specialist because we couldn’t go through the heartache anymore and I didn’t have the patience to wait for the NHS. At first, this specialist was great and really put my mind at ease that it would happen but it was just a matter of time. Due to a hereditary blood condition, we came up with the plan to supplement double the folic acid, take aspirin daily and use hormone-based pessaries. I went into the next month feeling so hopeful and I was sure it was going to work, now I’d had the correct help. It didn’t and we experienced our fourth miscarriage in just a few short months. At this stage, I didn’t even know it was possible to feel as broken as I did and every day was a struggle. Everywhere I would look I would see pregnant people, every announcement I heard was about pregnancy and it just felt like everyone around me either had children or was getting pregnant. That’s probably one of the most difficult things about this journey, seeing others around you go through the exact thing you so desperately want and the more you hear of people getting pregnant or giving birth, the further away it makes you feel from ever reaching that.
By this point, I decided to see a new specialist, someone who has done specific research into recurrent miscarriages and he sent me to be tested for a thrombophilia screening. My results came back with three conditions, factor 5 Leiden, MTHFR and protein C resistance, all of which were things I had no idea I carried. I have prescribed a blood thinning medication and again very naively thought this was going to be the end of all our struggles this was our answer but was sadly wrong and even with the medication we suffered the fifth miscarriage. Something which actually hurts for me to say because never in a million years did I think I would have 5 miscarriages in my life.
At this point, the fifth miscarriage was the final straw and after being admitted to the hospital I knew it was time to take a break. So this is where we are right now, trying to ‘not try’ whilst still kind of trying.
When you struggle to conceive all anyone will say to you is ‘you just need to relax and if you relax it will happen or ‘you will get pregnant. Another thing which you know people are trying to be kind but it’s the last thing when you're struggling to conceive you want to hear. Something even more frustrating is having people say that it’s all in your head and all you need to do to get pregnant is just relax and not think about getting pregnant. When all you deeply desire is to have a baby, how are you supposed to relax and not think about it?! I have learned, going through what I have I’ve learned that a lot of people really don’t know how to deal with or how to help someone struggling to conceive, which inevitably makes the process 10x harder for that individual.
So where are we at now? Well after a couple of months of being very unwell mentally and physically, I finally feel that I’m coming out the other side, I still have days which I find difficult but as a whole things are a lot better. I’m trying to look forward to summer and even though it’s one of the most challenging things to do, stop actively trying. Something which I hate, but know in my heart I know it’s the right thing. The stress of all the miscarriages really affected my bipolar and I just know my body and mind need to rest. Even though every fibre in my body wants to check ovulation dates and monitor symptoms, I know to get what I want; I have to take a break. Over the last 6 or so months my body has been to hell and back, I have experienced pain like never before and exhaustion like never before and it’s been near enough impossible to carry on with my daily life and I just couldn’t carry on that way.
I always had in my mind that I would write this post to share my story and help others once I had fallen pregnant and found out everything was okay, but I am now realising that I can’t only post about my struggles once I am through them. Life isn’t perfect and the plan I have in my head for things will never end up being the way it actually works out, so I need to be okay with that. I want to share my story and my current situation to help anyone who may be going through a similar thing, who is also suffering in silence but to also help myself heal. As much as no one wants to scream and shout about the fact they’re having fertility problems, living with these problems in silence is only ever making them harder to deal with. So I’m sharing my story for all those other people who don’t feel like they can, in the hope that they know that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about and you’re not on your own.
My miscarriages and my fertility struggles definitely nearly broke me, but I am still here, I’m still standing and just muddling my way through life. I honestly wouldn’t wish the journey I have had on my worst enemy, it’s a pain like I’ve never felt before, and an ache in my heart that never goes away. I really don't know what the future will bring which is scary, but going forward I'm trying to stop overthinking and just let fate take its course. What I do know is that I have to find that last little bit of strength I have within me to keep on fighting.
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