After not feeling I had much to write about in the last year, I always knew there would be something that would bring me back to writing. I however never imagined the thing that would bring me back would be another miscarriage. I've always felt the importance of raising awareness of subjects that carry a stigma so when we recently had our 4th miscarriage I instantly felt the desire to start writing again. Not only for self-healing but because I know first-hand how important it is this subject is discussed more.
The last few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. In March we started our first IVF cycle and from all that I'd heard, I was expecting that to be the hardest part. We had to wait 3 years after our last miscarriage, on top of the 3 years we'd already been trying before we were finally able to get help through the NHS. So when that time eventually came I was filled with gratitude which meant I didn't let myself dwell on the difficulty of it. I managed to take it in my stride because I always reminded myself of the times when I never thought I'd get the chance.
The challenging part for me began at week 2 of the 'two-week wait'. Partly due to being pregnant in the past, meant I knew exactly what to look for. I certainly felt all the symptoms I had previously but I was determined not to let myself believe it. When you have tried for 6 years the copious amounts of negative tests you see, leave quite a damaging effect. It meant the two-week wait felt like pure torture and I was just desperate for test day to come and give me an answer one way or another.
Unfortunately on that day, we didn't get the straightforward answer we'd hoped for, first thing in the morning there was barely enough on our test to consider it a line. It was a shock to me, due to the way I'd been feeling but I accepted it, knowing it very rarely works the first time and started booking our second round. The clinic tells you at this point to keep going with all the medications and test again in two days just to be sure.
The biggest surprise of our lives came that morning when we got our positive test, we genuinely believed the cycle was done and had mentally started preparing for the next. Over a few days, we'd managed to go through every single emotion possible but finally, it felt like we had the happy ending we'd been waiting so long for.
During the period of waiting to start IVF and our previous 3 miscarriages, we'd had lots of different tests done and I was able to get my diagnoses for different blood conditions I have. Both of which can cause miscarriages, I was prescribed blood thinning injections which I used throughout the 3 years of continuing to try before we started IVF. The doctors believed this to be our solution and I felt in my heart we'd found the answer. The thought of miscarrying again after all of that, naively never even crossed my mind.
The day I innocently took another test just to check was the day my whole world came crashing down. I just never imagined this happening again; I didn't think my heart would feel this level of pain again. Before I even had the chance to think I rushed to the early pregnancy unit just desperate to know if it was going to be ok, praying it was a false positive. With no sign of any pain or blood, I just didn't believe it could be real. It took a few days of blood tests and repeating pregnancy tests for it to sink in. I didn't want to accept it and couldn't get my head around it. How could we go from being in this bubble where we finally had a baby in our future, the happiest time of our lives, to it all taken away in a matter of seconds?
Miscarriage for me is the hardest challenge I've ever faced and pain like nothing I've experienced before. Pain to the point that my heart physically aches. Waking up to the heartbreak every morning, remembering what we'd lost and what I'd worked so hard to get. I've pulled from every bit of strength I have to try and remain somewhat together this time around, I've managed to carry on working and doing what I can to keep life somewhat normal because I'm determined not to let it break me. However, my brain has other ideas, constantly reminding me of not being pregnant anymore, not having that future we'd planned out and another baby I'll always wonder, what if about.
Thankfully, each day gets a little bit easier and I've been able to think about what a frozen cycle would be. As desperate as I am to be pregnant again our embryos have to stay frozen for a little longer whilst we go back on the search for another reason why. Why can't seem to carry a baby beyond a certain point and why my body seems to fight off every pregnancy I have? In some ways, I feel back to square one, with no real answers, just the potential of another problem I'll have to contend with. On the other hand, I remind myself how incredibly lucky I am that it worked the first time and we can find a way to help my body hold onto a baby full term, we have our amazing embryos waiting for us.
For now, life has gone back to being on hold, something I'm having to learn to be ok with but finding my heart breaks a little bit more every time I think about it. The plans we once had aren't anymore, we won't be having a Christmas baby, we won't be designing the nursery anytime soon or buying the baby clothes I've longed for years. There's now a fourth baby I will forever dream about, wonder who they would have looked like or what their personality would have been like.
After 6 years of trying and we have experienced:
- 4 miscarriages
- 1 IVF cycle
- Multiple blood condition diagnosis
- 1 endometriosis surgery
- More injections, medications and drugs than I could ever count
All of that I’m still fighting for you baby and I will never stop, I've never wanted you more. No matter how many hurdles we have to jump over, no matter how much heartbreak there might be, I will go through it all because I know you will be worth every single second of it.
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