Trying to conceive. The weird and wonderful thing most girls dream about from a young age. The thing that can be an amazing experience for some but also a horrific and quite honestly traumatic for others.
Something triggered me recently which completely put into perspective the whole process for me. It gave me the realisation of how much it's taken from me; my positivity, my zest for life and most importantly, part of my identity. This really shook me when I first realised it and realised how much of myself I've lost. I suddenly could see how I've kind of just been floating from day to day, month to month for the last two and a half years. Of course, I'm not saying I've been completely miserable the whole time and that I haven't had any happiness because I have. In fact, I've had lots of it but it's just like no matter what you do you've got a dark cloud hovering over you that doesn't go away.
I decided to deal with this realisation, the only way I know how, which is writing about it and using my pain to help others. So this is a very honest account of what trying to conceive can really be.
Before we began trying, I was always led to believe that if you don't use contraception then you automatically get pregnant. Which for some this can be the case; but for others, it couldn't be further from the truth. Not that I begrudge anyone who has become pregnant easily because it's not their fault they did and I didn't. To me, every baby is a blessing and everyone is given that precious gift when life believes they should be. However, that's very hard to remember when you have to go through the pain and suffering every single month. A pain I've as I've honestly never felt before, and that's after experiencing severe depression.
The months turn into ovulation dates, feeling hopeful and assessing every symptom just to come on your period once again. The years just turn into a cycle of this month after month until the year isn't really a year anymore it's 12 chances to try. No matter how much you tell yourself not to think about it, it's almost to make those thoughts go away. It's an ache you carry in your heart that no matter what you do, doesn't go away.
Not forgetting the torture of waiting. Waiting for ovulation to arrive. The agonising wait to see if your period will arrive. Waiting to have tests done than waiting to get test results. The waiting for appointments and the wait goes on. The two-week wait between ovulation and your period arriving is without a doubt the longest two weeks a person can ever have. Assessing every single symptom you may or may not have and what that means, thinking you're pregnant, then knowing you're definitely not. It's painful to say the very least and I think waiting is what makes life just end up feeling less like real life, because it's just about dates and not the exciting plans you have at the weekend.
So for anyone who is thinking about trying, I really want you to fully prepare yourself for the rollercoaster ride, trying to conceive CAN be. I'm not saying it will be but what it can be and the reason I say this is because I wish someone had prewarned before we started. I wish
more people would have been open about the fact it took them a while to have their children and that it was really really tough. I never in a million years want to put a person off trying but I just want people to know it isn't always as easy as it's made out to be, it can be really hard and that's ok. If I can give any piece of advice it would be, to be as prepared mentally as you can because it doesn't always go 'to plan'.
For anyone, like me, currently trying I want you to know it's okay to feel completely shit about the whole experience because it isn't always the fairytale scenario we dreamt of. So cry whenever the hell you need to and tell the people around you how hard it can be until their ears are sore. Do whatever you feel is going to help you through those tough times, but don't ever let it take your happiness away.
Don't allow the process to make you think you have no purpose or that you're any less of a woman because of your infertility, you're just as much of a woman as the person with 3 children is. Your strong & you're powerful, nothing will break you. It's incredibly easy to let it absorb into every aspect of your life and it takes a lot to prevent that happening. It is, however, vital to not completely lose yourself in it; which of course is a lot easier said than done, hence the reason I'm able to write this blog. Just remember that before you started trying to you were pretty damn happy, which means you can continue to be whilst you don't have a baby.
Finally what I want anyone who knows someone trying to conceive, to know is how unbearably painful the whole thing CAN be. The feeling that one day you don't know how you can go on, to the next where you suddenly change to doing whatever it takes. To try to help understand, there's absolutely no better way to describe the experience other than a rollercoaster. One day your up, then one day your down, you get excited to try and then you fall apart because you come on. This means if you do know anyone currently trying to have a baby, it's important to be patient with them, its possible they might lash out or say something they don't really mean from time to time. Just remember it's not them, it's just what they're going through right now.
For me, I'm going off with my newfound realisation, to go and start living life again. To travel the world even more, laugh until my belly hurts and remember there are so many incredible things in the world (all whilst quietly but desperately trying to have our magic baby). Feeling incredibly thankful for the thing that shook me and helped me notice how much I'd lost myself (when I thought I was actually doing quite well) because for the first time in a long time I've managed to feel a little bit like the old me again before the long journey began.
Something triggered me recently which completely put into perspective the whole process for me. It gave me the realisation of how much it's taken from me; my positivity, my zest for life and most importantly, part of my identity. This really shook me when I first realised it and realised how much of myself I've lost. I suddenly could see how I've kind of just been floating from day to day, month to month for the last two and a half years. Of course, I'm not saying I've been completely miserable the whole time and that I haven't had any happiness because I have. In fact, I've had lots of it but it's just like no matter what you do you've got a dark cloud hovering over you that doesn't go away.
I decided to deal with this realisation, the only way I know how, which is writing about it and using my pain to help others. So this is a very honest account of what trying to conceive can really be.
Before we began trying, I was always led to believe that if you don't use contraception then you automatically get pregnant. Which for some this can be the case; but for others, it couldn't be further from the truth. Not that I begrudge anyone who has become pregnant easily because it's not their fault they did and I didn't. To me, every baby is a blessing and everyone is given that precious gift when life believes they should be. However, that's very hard to remember when you have to go through the pain and suffering every single month. A pain I've as I've honestly never felt before, and that's after experiencing severe depression.
The months turn into ovulation dates, feeling hopeful and assessing every symptom just to come on your period once again. The years just turn into a cycle of this month after month until the year isn't really a year anymore it's 12 chances to try. No matter how much you tell yourself not to think about it, it's almost to make those thoughts go away. It's an ache you carry in your heart that no matter what you do, doesn't go away.
Not forgetting the torture of waiting. Waiting for ovulation to arrive. The agonising wait to see if your period will arrive. Waiting to have tests done than waiting to get test results. The waiting for appointments and the wait goes on. The two-week wait between ovulation and your period arriving is without a doubt the longest two weeks a person can ever have. Assessing every single symptom you may or may not have and what that means, thinking you're pregnant, then knowing you're definitely not. It's painful to say the very least and I think waiting is what makes life just end up feeling less like real life, because it's just about dates and not the exciting plans you have at the weekend.
So for anyone who is thinking about trying, I really want you to fully prepare yourself for the rollercoaster ride, trying to conceive CAN be. I'm not saying it will be but what it can be and the reason I say this is because I wish someone had prewarned before we started. I wish
more people would have been open about the fact it took them a while to have their children and that it was really really tough. I never in a million years want to put a person off trying but I just want people to know it isn't always as easy as it's made out to be, it can be really hard and that's ok. If I can give any piece of advice it would be, to be as prepared mentally as you can because it doesn't always go 'to plan'.
For anyone, like me, currently trying I want you to know it's okay to feel completely shit about the whole experience because it isn't always the fairytale scenario we dreamt of. So cry whenever the hell you need to and tell the people around you how hard it can be until their ears are sore. Do whatever you feel is going to help you through those tough times, but don't ever let it take your happiness away.
Don't allow the process to make you think you have no purpose or that you're any less of a woman because of your infertility, you're just as much of a woman as the person with 3 children is. Your strong & you're powerful, nothing will break you. It's incredibly easy to let it absorb into every aspect of your life and it takes a lot to prevent that happening. It is, however, vital to not completely lose yourself in it; which of course is a lot easier said than done, hence the reason I'm able to write this blog. Just remember that before you started trying to you were pretty damn happy, which means you can continue to be whilst you don't have a baby.
Finally what I want anyone who knows someone trying to conceive, to know is how unbearably painful the whole thing CAN be. The feeling that one day you don't know how you can go on, to the next where you suddenly change to doing whatever it takes. To try to help understand, there's absolutely no better way to describe the experience other than a rollercoaster. One day your up, then one day your down, you get excited to try and then you fall apart because you come on. This means if you do know anyone currently trying to have a baby, it's important to be patient with them, its possible they might lash out or say something they don't really mean from time to time. Just remember it's not them, it's just what they're going through right now.
For me, I'm going off with my newfound realisation, to go and start living life again. To travel the world even more, laugh until my belly hurts and remember there are so many incredible things in the world (all whilst quietly but desperately trying to have our magic baby). Feeling incredibly thankful for the thing that shook me and helped me notice how much I'd lost myself (when I thought I was actually doing quite well) because for the first time in a long time I've managed to feel a little bit like the old me again before the long journey began.
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