Frightened of your own mind

Imagine feeling frightened of the one thing that controls your whole world? Being frightened of losing control of the thing that controls everything. Frightened of the thoughts you might think, feelings you may feel and voices you could hear. 

That's exactly how most suffering from a mental health condition feel daily. Where the mind ends up controlling you, instead of you being in control of it. Feeling powerless in managing your feelings and having no influence over the way you think or feel.

The concept of fearing your own mind is something which will seem very strange to those who don't suffer, however reality for those that do. It applies to different mental health conditions in different ways but all of which are petrifying. During illness, the mind can feel as though it's completely taken over by something that isn't you.

Fearing your own mind when suffering from depression, is never knowing when the darkness will end. It's being worried that you will spend your whole life that way because no matter what you seem to do the dark cloud never goes away. Many people who suffer from severe depression will hear voices and noises that aren't there, but to them are very real. With severe depression, it often brings psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations or delusions which are most frightening of all. Unexpectedly, most of these voices are talking about and prompting suicide.

At this stage the person suffering, won't fully be present anymore, the condition in a way takes over and they will no longer be the same person. Many years ago before I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was often found in a corner of a room screaming and shouting at the walls because I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there. Those around me describe those times as if I were possessed by something. To some degree luckily at this point, the fear is eliminated because you’re not fully present anymore to know there's something to be distressed about, the fear is then instead of everything that's around you, real or not real.

For a sufferer of bipolar disorder, the mind leaves a person with a great deal of uncertainty. If not, medically controlled moods can swing very drastically, with extreme manic and depressive episodes. Bipolar 1 and bipolar 2 are the types of condition where episodes last for a longer period often for months at a time. However, in my case, cyclothymia is a different type of bipolar where the mood changes are a lot more rapid. A person can go from feeling extremely low & suicidal to on top of the world. The most worrying part of bipolar is never knowing when the mood change will come and what will happen in the event of that mood change. Moods of depression are very serious and life-threatening; the depression normally feels so severe to that person that they will often attempt to take their own life. Manic moods are less physically dangerous to a person's life but instead more damaging to their life, many times with extreme spending sprees, potentially gambling or drug use. 

As someone who has bipolar disorder, I know that feeling frightened of your own mind is common. With my condition, the number of extreme mood changes I may have in a day can be vast. Something which I have absolutely no control over. I'm very lucky to have found the right balance of medication which on a whole, keeps my mood stable on a day to day basis and have learnt to understand when the change is coming on and taught myself methods to try to manage these. Sadly, it's not always possible for some to find a correct dose or medication that balances them, and they can spend their whole life dealing with the condition in its severity. For me, the thing I find most frightening is essentially the unknown. Not knowing when the next mood change could be, not knowing which mood it will be and not knowing how long it may last. The moods are so extreme that they're impossible to ignore and everything feels heightened. The constant change and instability makes it feel as though your mind is working against you.

If the thought of being frightened of your own mind is particularly hard to understand which for most it will be. I'd say it's an accurate representation of how things feel for those suffering from mental health conditions - confusing. The concept that you can feel out of control of your own mind is very odd and to those dealing with it, it feels even more strange. In all honesty, it's can be scary at times. When going through a particularly, bad episode it can make you feel like you're disturbed and losing your mind, that out of it all is most terrifying.

Mental health is a subject which is especially challenging to comprehend and as with all my other posts I try and highlight subjects which with a little explaining could enable others to understand. For those suffering from mental health, it's a very isolating condition, the more awareness and understanding everyone can bring to the conditions, the more supported those people will feel and potentially more lives saved. The concept of how it's possible to be fearful of your own mind is an especially difficult one to understand and a subject I know most sufferers struggle with which is why it's vital to discuss.