To the girl who feels exhausted, worthless and desperately wants to give up, I feel you.
I want you to know you’re not alone. Every thought and every feeling that you’ve had, I have to. I know what it's like to stare at yourself in the mirror and wonder why your body continues to fail you over and over again.
Infertility is an ache in your heart that never goes away, it's forcing yourself to smile when inside you feel broken. It's feeling as though the one thing you want more than anything in the world couldn't be further away and no matter what you do you have no control over achieving it.
Nearly three years ago we made the decision to start trying and after all that time I never imagined we'd be in the position we are now. Little did I know that decision we made which was far from spontaneous would change our whole course in life. Three years on and every part of me is different; I think it's virtually impossible to come out of this experience untouched. I have no shame in admitting that I lost part of myself in these years, going through infertility has changed me and my miscarriages taught me to pain deeper than I have ever felt before.
When I was little all I ever dreamt of was being someone's mummy, I was never that girl who fantasized about a massive white wedding because all I ever thought about was having babies. I never imagined that dream would be so difficult to achieve.
I have cried a million tears and experienced more pain than I knew was humanly possible. I've sat in the bathroom for hours staring at a test hoping the result would change and I've said over a hundred times that I give up, but somehow keep going. I've held onto the only piece of evidence that a baby existed only to completely fall apart when the positive line months later eventually fades.
If your reading this post and it resonates with you, I want you to know that all those thoughts and feelings you’ve been having are normal and just because fertility isn’t something a lot of people speak about doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It’s a whirlwind that leaves you with so many unanswered questions but this statistic shows there are so many others that are experiencing the exact same thing. 1 in 8 struggles with fertility and although it's an incredibly isolating experience, this means there's always someone out there who will get you, you just need to look for them.
I never want you to feel ashamed for having sadness over the loss of what your life once was. The carefree, spontaneous life that was filled with so much joy. Please know that although things will of course be different, you are allowed to have happiness.
More than anything I know the difficulty of struggling to not let it completely absorb you, but I also know that to have any kind of life in this journey, it’s essential. The thing to remember is, sadly we have no control over the length of this battle, which means that we could spend our entire life miserable if we allowed it. The struggle could go on another year or another ten, so I want you to imagine looking back in all those years to come and only seeing sadness.
Trying to conceive is the biggest rollercoaster ride I have ever ridden and in three years I've had more ups and downs than some people do in a lifetime. On a good day, I can see there's a reason for every failed cycle or for each of my miscarriages but on a bad day, I won't be able to understand any of it. What I want you to know is that not every day will be bad, the road may be bumpy you can be happy.
Cycles, dates and symptoms don't have to be the only thing your life revolves around. It’s ok to try to conceive without checking every temperature change, tracking every symptom or working out every date. However, if doing those things feels right for you, that's okay too. What isn't okay is letting infertility be your whole life.
So, to the girl reading this, I want you to know that most importantly you have to remember that there’s so much more to life than trying to conceive. So much happiness to be had and so much life to live. Don’t wish it away count down the days till you can test or the next time to try. I am finally the happiest I've ever been because I finally decided to let go and just let be what will be. I encourage you to take back control of your life and your happiness. Remind yourself what things were like before you made the decision to try for a baby and see how quickly your life starts to feel a whole lot better.
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