Understanding mental health

Can you imagine feeling as though you are trapped in a body which seems determined to be depressed? Being stuck in a body where no matter how good life may be and how desperate you are to be happy; you still feel overwhelmingly sad. That’s exactly how those with mental health conditions can feel, a lot of their emotions are unexplained which is difficult enough to comprehend themselves but near enough impossible for anyone else.

The brain is built up of four major chemicals which all contribute to inducing the feeling of happiness, these four chemicals are endorphin, dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin. In many cases where these conditions exist, it will be because one or more of these chemicals are low which leads to a chemical imbalance. For this reason, it means people can feel at rock bottom without a particular cause for it.

We all know that throughout life there are ups and downs as it’s a natural part of existence, there are parts which are wonderful and others that are miserable. We can lose a person we love but then we gain another, get hired for a dream job then become made redundant. A person that has a mental illness will feel those same emotions in reaction to circumstances however they will also feel depression, anxiety, fear and hopelessness at times when there is no trigger.

Mental health is finally becoming more acknowledged however there's still an underlying belief that emotional pain is only be accepted if the person can explain why it’s there. Our brains are very complex, and we don’t have a great deal of control over our emotions. This means sometimes no matter how many great relationships you have, how big your house is or how successful you are in your career it doesn’t guarantee happiness.

I find this to be one of the most frustrating factors of my condition because there are times when you feel so low and worthless, but you know in your heart that there are many good things in your life. It’s incredibly deflating when you know how blessed you are but it’s as if those things don’t mean anything.

The fact we have very little understanding of this subject leads to constant questioning from outsiders which eventually ends up making you question yourself. So many people I speak to with the same condition say that no one believes them because it doesn’t visibly seem like they’re struggling. We’re used to thinking there’s a stereotypical character of someone with this illness who will look as though they don’t look after themselves, always looks down and don’t have much going for them. In our current climate more so than ever before a lot of sufferers are high functioning; which means the obvious signs won’t be there. We must learn to look past how a person’s life may look from the outside and be aware of there could be more there than meets the eye.

Unfortunately, medical professionals aren’t a great deal better at this either and the biggest questioning often comes from our doctors. Due to the fact they will see you for a 15-minute window once, which on that day you may feel okay. It feels like they almost need to see a person physically breaking down and crying to agree there’s a problem. Before I received my correct diagnosis of bipolar disorder it was without a doubt the worst year of my entire life. Every single doctor or psychiatrist I saw never believed me, they would say over and over how my life seemed too perfect to be depressed. I would come away from every appointment feeling even more lost than before because I knew something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t get anyone to listen. I truly believe this caused me greater pain as I already felt like I was losing my mind and not even having a professional see my pain worsened those thoughts. The terrible thing is that it wasn’t until id become so unwell that I attempted suicide that someone finally believed me and the saddest thing of all, is I’m not the only person this has been the case for. I am lucky enough to have not needed to see a psychiatrist or doctor for many years now so I’m sure things have moved on and improved but it’s something I will never forget.

Of course, it’s an extremely complex concept to try to understand how a person can feel suicidal but can’t explain why I do believe as a society we’re improving but there’s still confusion. There can be good days, average days and dreadful days, it’s always different there’s no pattern. A person can have days where they will lay in bed crying for hours when the day before they were fine. They can wake up feeling suicidal when they went to sleep as happy as can be. They can count down the days to a holiday and end up feeling completely numb throughout.

What’s important to know, is that no matter how frustrating it may be for you I promise you it’s a million times more infuriating for them. The best thing you can do is keep calm and always show them you’re trying to understand, just that willingness to learn feels more supportive than anything. For anyone, we don’t openly know who is struggling, be cautious of the fact a person won’t always show obvious signs of their difficulties but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

To the girl struggling with infertility

To the girl who feels exhausted, worthless and desperately wants to give up, I feel you.

I want you to know you’re not alone. Every thought and every feeling that you’ve had, I have to. I know what it's like to stare at yourself in the mirror and wonder why your body continues to fail you over and over again.

Infertility is an ache in your heart that never goes away, it's forcing yourself to smile when inside you feel broken. It's feeling as though the one thing you want more than anything in the world couldn't be further away and no matter what you do you have no control over achieving it. 

Nearly three years ago we made the decision to start trying and after all that time I never imagined we'd be in the position we are now. Little did I know that decision we made which was far from spontaneous would change our whole course in life. Three years on and every part of me is different; I think it's virtually impossible to come out of this experience untouched. I have no shame in admitting that I lost part of myself in these years, going through infertility has changed me and my miscarriages taught me to pain deeper than I have ever felt before.

 When I was little all I ever dreamt of was being someone's mummy, I was never that girl who fantasized about a massive white wedding because all I ever thought about was having babies. I never imagined that dream would be so difficult to achieve.

I have cried a million tears and experienced more pain than I knew was humanly possible. I've sat in the bathroom for hours staring at a test hoping the result would change and I've said over a hundred times that I give up, but somehow keep going. I've held onto the only piece of evidence that a baby existed only to completely fall apart when the positive line months later eventually fades. 

If your reading this post and it resonates with you, I want you to know that all those thoughts and feelings you’ve been having are normal and just because fertility isn’t something a lot of people speak about doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It’s a whirlwind that leaves you with so many unanswered questions but this statistic shows there are so many others that are experiencing the exact same thing. 1 in 8 struggles with fertility and although it's an incredibly isolating experience, this means there's always someone out there who will get you, you just need to look for them.

I never want you to feel ashamed for having sadness over the loss of what your life once was. The carefree, spontaneous life that was filled with so much joy. Please know that although things will of course be different, you are allowed to have happiness.

More than anything I know the difficulty of struggling to not let it completely absorb you, but I also know that to have any kind of life in this journey, it’s essential. The thing to remember is, sadly we have no control over the length of this battle, which means that we could spend our entire life miserable if we allowed it. The struggle could go on another year or another ten, so I want you to imagine looking back in all those years to come and only seeing sadness.

Trying to conceive is the biggest rollercoaster ride I have ever ridden and in three years I've had more ups and downs than some people do in a lifetime. On a good day, I can see there's a reason for every failed cycle or for each of my miscarriages but on a bad day, I won't be able to understand any of it. What I want you to know is that not every day will be bad, the road may be bumpy you can be happy. 

Cycles, dates and symptoms don't have to be the only thing your life revolves around. It’s ok to try to conceive without checking every temperature change, tracking every symptom or working out every date. However, if doing those things feels right for you, that's okay too. What isn't okay is letting infertility be your whole life. 

So, to the girl reading this, I want you to know that most importantly you have to remember that there’s so much more to life than trying to conceive. So much happiness to be had and so much life to live. Don’t wish it away count down the days till you can test or the next time to try. I am finally the happiest I've ever been because I finally decided to let go and just let be what will be. I encourage you to take back control of your life and your happiness. Remind yourself what things were like before you made the decision to try for a baby and see how quickly your life starts to feel a whole lot better.

Frightened of your own mind

Imagine feeling frightened of the one thing that controls your whole world? Being frightened of losing control of the thing that controls everything. Frightened of the thoughts you might think, feelings you may feel and voices you could hear. 

That's exactly how most suffering from a mental health condition feel daily. Where the mind ends up controlling you, instead of you being in control of it. Feeling powerless in managing your feelings and having no influence over the way you think or feel.

The concept of fearing your own mind is something which will seem very strange to those who don't suffer, however reality for those that do. It applies to different mental health conditions in different ways but all of which are petrifying. During illness, the mind can feel as though it's completely taken over by something that isn't you.

Fearing your own mind when suffering from depression, is never knowing when the darkness will end. It's being worried that you will spend your whole life that way because no matter what you seem to do the dark cloud never goes away. Many people who suffer from severe depression will hear voices and noises that aren't there, but to them are very real. With severe depression, it often brings psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations or delusions which are most frightening of all. Unexpectedly, most of these voices are talking about and prompting suicide.

At this stage the person suffering, won't fully be present anymore, the condition in a way takes over and they will no longer be the same person. Many years ago before I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was often found in a corner of a room screaming and shouting at the walls because I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there. Those around me describe those times as if I were possessed by something. To some degree luckily at this point, the fear is eliminated because you’re not fully present anymore to know there's something to be distressed about, the fear is then instead of everything that's around you, real or not real.

For a sufferer of bipolar disorder, the mind leaves a person with a great deal of uncertainty. If not, medically controlled moods can swing very drastically, with extreme manic and depressive episodes. Bipolar 1 and bipolar 2 are the types of condition where episodes last for a longer period often for months at a time. However, in my case, cyclothymia is a different type of bipolar where the mood changes are a lot more rapid. A person can go from feeling extremely low & suicidal to on top of the world. The most worrying part of bipolar is never knowing when the mood change will come and what will happen in the event of that mood change. Moods of depression are very serious and life-threatening; the depression normally feels so severe to that person that they will often attempt to take their own life. Manic moods are less physically dangerous to a person's life but instead more damaging to their life, many times with extreme spending sprees, potentially gambling or drug use. 

As someone who has bipolar disorder, I know that feeling frightened of your own mind is common. With my condition, the number of extreme mood changes I may have in a day can be vast. Something which I have absolutely no control over. I'm very lucky to have found the right balance of medication which on a whole, keeps my mood stable on a day to day basis and have learnt to understand when the change is coming on and taught myself methods to try to manage these. Sadly, it's not always possible for some to find a correct dose or medication that balances them, and they can spend their whole life dealing with the condition in its severity. For me, the thing I find most frightening is essentially the unknown. Not knowing when the next mood change could be, not knowing which mood it will be and not knowing how long it may last. The moods are so extreme that they're impossible to ignore and everything feels heightened. The constant change and instability makes it feel as though your mind is working against you.

If the thought of being frightened of your own mind is particularly hard to understand which for most it will be. I'd say it's an accurate representation of how things feel for those suffering from mental health conditions - confusing. The concept that you can feel out of control of your own mind is very odd and to those dealing with it, it feels even more strange. In all honesty, it's can be scary at times. When going through a particularly, bad episode it can make you feel like you're disturbed and losing your mind, that out of it all is most terrifying.

Mental health is a subject which is especially challenging to comprehend and as with all my other posts I try and highlight subjects which with a little explaining could enable others to understand. For those suffering from mental health, it's a very isolating condition, the more awareness and understanding everyone can bring to the conditions, the more supported those people will feel and potentially more lives saved. The concept of how it's possible to be fearful of your own mind is an especially difficult one to understand and a subject I know most sufferers struggle with which is why it's vital to discuss.

Endometriosis

Ever felt that overwhelming feeling of tiredness? Where you keep fighting but feel as though it's a losing battle. That's exactly where I'm currently at with my endometriosis. As I wrote about in previous blogs in December last year, I had an operation to diagnose and remove endometriosis which the journey to was painful, long and tiring. With more hospital and ambulance trips than I can count, the moment I was eventually told they were going to operate I felt relief. For so long I knew there was something more going on with my body than doctors believed but with no explanation as to what I felt helpless. So when I was finally offered some help it felt as though I had an answer. Looking back now I realise I was very naive in assuming it was going to be the solution. After my operation, I recovered well, as someone who has always lived a healthy lifestyle it's fair to say I bounced back and of course lead me to believe it was the end of my struggle.

Little did I know that was far from what reality was going to be. For the first month maybe at a push two, things were better. My cycles had eased, and I felt much healthier. This no doubt was the hardest pill to swallow as I was lead false hope of a healthy life. I would say from about cycle 2-3 onwards was when I realised things weren't as sweet as I thought they were going to be. This definitely took me by surprise and sadly from then onwards things have only got worse. With this last month being by far the worst and the last week one of the most challenging of all.

My operation removed most of the endometriosis but not all of it, I was still left with some on my bowel which my surgeon didn't feel comfortable touching. Even with that in mind, explaining to doctors that I am in fact worse after the surgery that was supposed to make me better seems to fall on deaths ears. I already knew the research and treatment for this condition was poor but it's somewhat still heart-breaking to be told it's just something us sufferers have to get on. To pretty much be informed you will spend the rest of your life in pain, fatigued and looking like your 6 months pregnant 90% of the time is frustrating, to say the least. 

The funny or not so funny part of it all is that although my pain and symptoms use to be hard with nearly every month ending up in a hospital, more than anything I did it for an answer to my infertility. To my surprise seeking further help in that department since the operation i've been told endometriosis isn't a problem. When I was previously informed that removing it would be the answer. Leads me to the point of one of the most infuriating things which are the mixed information you receive. Due to there being such little research and money in looking at endometriosis the doctors know very little meaning they provide completely contrasting information. This though doesn't make it any easier to process the fact you had an operation based on the fact you were told it would get you pregnant, only to be told by someone else it's not a problem.

I always try to be very positive about my life experiences as written about previously many times being grateful for them. However, right now I do 100% regret having my operation done because it has elevated my problems so greatly. I struggle daily with pain, which pre-op it was only around my period and occasionally ovulation. I now cannot remember the last time I went a day without any type of pain at all, not to mention the fatigue, nausea, bladder and bowel problems. The worst part of it all is dealing with the fact now pretty much every single day I'm so bloated I look heavily pregnant, when in fact I couldn't be further away from, a constant reminder of the thing I most desperately want but can't have. 

This blog post isn't to say to anyone suffering or anyone who knows someone suffering not to have endometriosis removed. Like with every condition it varies person to person, I've spoken to many people whom the surgery has dramatically improved their condition, so it's not that it can't work but for me so far it hasn't. I do know though if I weren't to have it removed it would spread and cause more damage to other organs so I try to remind myself of that positive. The main cause of my frustration comes from being worse off from a surgery that I was promised would make me better.

For anyone who may be wondering what is so challenging about this condition, it's hard to break it down to one thing. It's exhaustion of being in constant pain, the bleariness that regular use of strong painkillers gives and how draining it is trying to explain to others how something that cannot be seen can be so debilitating. Personally, the pain is on another level to anything I've experienced before with it actually being categorized as one of the top 10 most painful conditions. Yet we are so often still misunderstood. When you collapse with such severe pain, cannot pick yourself up the floor to walk move or even barely talk, getting treated as though your being dramatic is quite honestly demoralising. 

Please don't get me wrong I'm still extremely grateful to have the body that I do. I understand I'm lucky to have a body which allows me to get up in the morning, exercise, work and live the life I desire. As hard work as endometriosis can be, I still know I'm fortunate and there are people far worse off than me. I will never let endometriosis beat me, in fact, it continues to show me my strength and determination so for that I'm thankful.

Sharing our experiences

It's fair to say I am a massive advocate for speaking out about mental health with the main reason being that I know first-hand the importance of it on our health. However, I haven't discussed as much the benefit this has on those on the receiving end of it.

Early on in my journey, I was so ashamed of my diagnosis that I kept it hidden from everyone except my partner and immediate family. I felt as though it was this embarrassing and shameful secret I needed to keep. At the age of 16 being diagnosed with bipolar disorder isn't exactly 'cool' and ended up leaving me very alienated. Further, into my journey, I soon learnt that talking was essential, whether that was talking to a psychiatrist, a family member or a counsellor. I realised when suffering from mental health, talking is a lifesaver and inevitably when I finally started talking, I started healing.

Suddenly it felt like this massive weight had been lifted from me, I started to accept my condition and started writing my blog. By doing this I noticed my mindset shift and became a great deal more positive about my whole situation, the reason being, using my pain in a constructive way it improved the way I viewed the whole experience. Sharing my story and receiving such amazing feedback encouraged me to change my outlook from a very traumatic one, to a beneficial one.

Not only does talking about your experiences heal you but it assists others too as well. Ever since starting my blog I've had many people get in contact and share their stories with me, often with many people saying they've never told anyone about it before. This without a doubt one of the most rewarding feelings in the world, to know you've prompted someone to start being open and that they have enough trust in you to allow you to be the first is powerful. This exact reason is why my purpose for writing quickly turned from healing myself to healing everyone else.

The reason people benefit from reading a blog or a post is that it allows them to not feel quite so alone. Mental health is incredibly alienating, it can make you feel that even if a room of 5 people, you're more alone than you've ever been before. Talking to someone who has been through the same thing teaches you that the thoughts and feelings you've been having are normal. Being able to read something that explains exactly how you feel is very reassuring.

Sadly, so many of us are still too afraid to share our battles because we're afraid of judgement, meaning so many suffer in silence but imagine how much better we'd all feel if we did. Life isn't plain sailing for anyone, everyone has their difficulties so the fact anyone would judge another person for what they're going through is ridiculous. It makes me incredibly sad that we live in a world where this still happens.  

There are so many of us suffering but so few of us are talking. We don't realise the impact a simple thing like talking can have. Many more of us would feel less alone in our challenges and less isolated if we all shared what was really going on.

As a society, I don’t think enough of us think about the impact we’re having on other human beings. We are surrounded by so much negativity and it's very infectious if we could all think of helping others before always helping ourselves, as cliché as it sounds the world would genuinely be a better place. I think it's important we're all a little more conscious of the impact we're having on not only the people around us but the world because there are a lot of people suffering.

Something to remember and hopefully inspire is that you don't need to be perfect to have an impact on people, you don't need to have your whole life together to provide support. Something as simple as sharing your story and your struggles could assist someone far more than you'll ever know. Start a conversation and not only improve your health but the health of others around you too.